Surprising Lessons from My Kids' Military Service
Military preparation and liberal arts-based education have more in common than you might think
My son is taking an extended trip and the weeks before he left were a logistical whirlwind. Parents of newly-fledged adults can probably relate:
“Mom — can I store my stuff at your house?
“Will the data plan on my phone still work?
“Mom, my flight got bumped — again!”
Except my son isn’t taking a vacation. Mac is a U.S. Marine and this is his first deployment.
His brother is also a Marine, and he’s stationed thousands of miles away too. It’s not what I expected from my life as an artsy, peace-loving, British transplant. What happened to make my sweet babies aspire to be like the gun-toting, camo-clad meatheads of the movies?
Learning the hard way
I have always loved Kahlil Gibran's poem, On Children with these lines:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
And how often have I heard the truism, ‘children are our greatest teachers’?
When my kids were tiny, I gave that no more thought than any other bumper sticker on a minivan but, as they’ve grown older, I have learned the never-ending truth of it.
Who gives birth to who?
I came late to motherhood, 40 years old when I had my first and 42 for the second. I had seen a lot of the world and how people lived in it — I had some strong ideas about how good humans should be raised. So, I birthed both my boys at home and prepared every mouthful that passed their weaning lips from pure, organic whole foods. We lived in the woods and searched for salamanders in the mud instead of watching wildlife shows on a screen.
The boys went to a Waldorf (Steiner) school where the children played with beeswax and silk capes. They played outdoors every day, whatever the weather. They were encouraged to create their own games although any child with a twig in his hand and gunplay in his heart was redirected with loving, yet steely authority by Ms. Su singing, “Sticks are for building”.
Still, with hindsight, I can see that the seeds of their military careers were planted there. Like the lessons on how to use the sharp knives given to children from age three and a half so they could cut veggies. ‘Many hands make light work’, so all the children helped to make the soup and then ate it together around the snack table where they learned the art of conversation.
Peace, Love, and Understanding
It turns out that social and arts-based Waldorf Education is good preparation for becoming a Marine. Discipline is not the same thing as obedience, and service is more than simply ‘doing what you’re told’.
Through grade school, the boys did class chores that helped build an ethic of work in service to others. They marched their times tables, learned to dance together, sang songs in multi-part harmonies, and memorized lengthy passages to recite on stage or at informal gatherings. Mandatory violin practice taught them to be consistent in their habits — no matter how painfully they grated.
One of the Marines’ mottos is ‘improvise, adapt, overcome’. Every subject at school, including math and chemistry, had an artistic component that helped develop creative thinking. The kids learned to make useful things; they built shelters, carved wood spoons, and knitted hats. At Boot Camp, Mac became the company tailor, doing uniform repairs while his fellow recruits stood his night watch.
Waldorf teachers ‘loop’, often staying with the class from first grade through eighth, and the students become a tight, family-like cadre. That doesn’t mean everyone likes or gets along with everyone else, but it does mean they have to find ways to work together regardless. They learn to respect each other despite their differences, and they learn what it means to be loyal.
Loyalty is too often used as cover for manipulation and quid pro quo but really, it’s the ability to remember that a person is better than their worst behavior.
Loyalty is the skill of recognizing when someone is having an inglorious moment and, instead of deserting them or taking it personally, you help them out. You hold space for them so they can get back to being the best of themselves. Loyalty makes things better for everyone
In combat situations, loyalty saves lives and that, not mindless obedience, is the essential lesson of Boot Camp and the carefully designed wrath of the Drill Instructors.
Brothers-in-Arms
The Marine Corps is famed for its sense of brotherhood and my kids arrived with a lifetime of top-notch experience. I like to say they were best friends before they were born.
When I began writing about my first son’s enlistment, I nicknamed him Mac for my steadfast and thoughtful grandad. But Mac is also a Mack truck of resolute iron will. If he decides something needs to get done, he’ll be quiet about it — but it gets done.
His older brother had a much harder road to USMC Recruit Training. I have called him Scout in my writing since my mommy-blogging days, nicknamed for his watchful curiosity and strong moral compass. If I was to choose a different nickname for him now, it would be Keel. No matter where life takes him or who has control of the helm, he keeps plowing ahead, as solid and dependable as a ton of lead.
Finding their place in the Marine Corps seems to have come easily for both of my sons. Scout is pragmatic and low-key, and kids in need of a break or a sounding board have always gravitated toward him. Mac is a bastion of practical support; he’s a good swimmer and will give up his free time to help anyone who isn’t.
I’ve met some of the boys’ Marine Corps buddies, almost all of them kids from the South and ‘flyover country’—kids with far fewer choices than my sons. They are fine young men and I am ashamed of the preconceived ideas that led me to expect anything different.
I expected to feel as at home with Marine Corps culture as I would on Mars. I wasn’t expecting to find a community for myself yet that’s what happened.
It turns out that the Mothers of Marines (MoMs) are a rare breed, they are mamma bears to a fault. They conspire to deliver packages to each other’s kids and swap intel on how to register and insure a car for out-of-state duty stations. If your kid is stranded at an airport or on the highway, a MoM will scoop them up, feed them, and help them get to wherever they need to be. If your 18-year-old decides to get married, they will offer sound advice on how to be supportive and send you virtual hugs by the hundreds.
Military service is tough on families and being a MoM is intense. Your Marine(s) could be working anywhere in the world and visits home are months or even years apart. When your child does come home for a precious few days of boots in the house, a lot has changed—for them and you. There’s some reacquainting to do before it’s time for another See ya later and another extended period of absence and uncertainty.
The MoMs don’t talk much about suicide rates or the latest reports on traumatic brain injury (TBI), and we never discuss politics or the risk of troops being sent into combat zones.
Patriots
When Mac was home on pre-deployment leave, we went to the 9/11 museum at Ground Zero in New York. We also went to see the movie, Civil War; one, a horrific event that happened before Mac was born and the other, a harrowing account of a potential future that feels entirely plausible, if not imminent.
I’ve been an American citizen for 20 years—George W. Bush sent me a welcome letter around the time he sent troops into Afghanistan. Back then, I made it my business to read up on 20th-century American history and thought things were bad but couldn’t, or wouldn’t, get any worse. How wrong I was. It seems like the American experiment is poised on a knife-edge and power-hungry idiots are wrestling over the knife.
America isn’t at war, yet, but the escalating divisions and incendiary nationalist rhetoric are problematic; especially in a country with more guns than people.
Here’s the thing though, my sons’ service has come with a ‘knock me down with a feather’ surprise — it gives me hope.
Yes, military systems are often as senseless and chaotic as the jokes make them out to be, but the vast majority of the people who work inside those systems are honorable, courageous human beings. They are the men and women who will be called to stand between Americans’ worst behavior and civil war if that’s what it comes to, and they know how to be loyal. I wish more civilians knew that and more politicians respected it.
Fewer than 1% of Americans serve in the military and our society doesn’t seem to give them much thought unless it’s a holiday parade with hot dogs and star-spangled banners. I was as guilty as anyone before my sons enlisted.
Mac is 19, the average age of the conscripts who fought and died in Vietnam. Now, despite endless war movies and games of Call of Duty, most families have never been further removed from military experience and what it means to serve.
Ideas of service
I am in favor of a mandatory one-year of national service. For everyone as they leave high school — no buying your (or your child’s) way out of it. Those in power might make better decisions if their own kids’ lives and general well-being depended on them.
The commitment wouldn’t have to be military, it could be a year of Teach for America or some other project that meant being away from home and serving as a helpful member of an unfamiliar community.
And if you ever wanted a gun license, you would need to join the armed services and be trained in how to use it. No more thug life or truck-nuts posturing, you would receive an education about responsibility and real-life consequences.
True patriotism takes more than swaggering around mouthing off about We the People and whining about defending your rights; it takes showing up to defend the rights of other people — even when you don’t like, or get on with those people.
This shouldn’t be controversial and it isn’t complicated. Kindergarten teachers teach these values every day—at my kids’ old school, Ms Su even does it while she’s singing.
For security reasons, Uncle Sam insists that troop movements and locations remain confidential but I received a message that Mac had landed safely. He told me not to worry if I don’t hear from him for a while—no news is good news.
I’m glad he is busy and that he has good buddies around him, his Marine brothers. And I’m glad that he’s doing a job that he believes to be worth doing.
But still, it’s tough. I return to Kahlil Gibran, On Children:
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Love you, sweet boy —
See ya later!
This essay is dedicated to all the Military Moms
Wherever you are, I know whose side you’re on and I send you love. May your gods bless you kindly. 🕊️
Enjoying Whole Stories Shortly? Become a subscriber and show your support!
Perhaps your day is ruled by your never-ending to-do list, or you simply need to tune out the news for a while. Take a break to think different and feel different with a subscription to Whole Stories Shortly.
Become a paid or free subscriber today and never miss a story!
